Saturday, December 26, 2009

Inferiority Complex

Two years ago, I was 175 lbs. At 5'4, that was way too much weight for me to be carrying around. I was large-- so much so that I was loosing my ability to buy clothing at normal stores (unable to fit into size 14 jeans). Now, my weight fluctuates a little, but hangs around 114 lbs. I have become significantly more attractive as I have lost the weight. My wonderful Cerinthus started dating me when I was around 175 lbs, but he is certainly happy that I have lost the weight, and constantly tells me how beautiful I am. Although I love him, I somehow feel that I have missed my chance to see what new found attractiveness can do.

Cerinthus is away, sadly, spending the holidays with his family. I have been so busy that I rarely notice his absence, but at the moments when I relax I find myself wishing he were here and impatiently awaiting his return. At one of those moments, I was at a Christmas party when I noticed one of the sons of a family friend looking at me. I could not be sure, but it certainly looked as though his eyes were following me from time to time. The boy was young, only 13 or 14, so obviously he did not tempt me, but I was certainly flattered. About 5'10 and slender with brown hair falling over his eyes, I could tell that at 13 I would have had a rather more positive reaction to the attention. Even being quite a few years his senior, I could not help myself; I began to talk to him more. Of course I did not flirt-- in fact I'm not even sure how one would flirt with someone so young-- but I payed him more heed and attempted to engage him. I guess that I am so starved for attention, having been awkward in high school and spending the last 2 and a half years being fat, that I just cannot let attention go away. I need to feel, somehow, that people think I am pretty and slender. May this primordial urge dissipate before it gets me into more serious trouble.

No comments:

Post a Comment